Lost in years
by GwenynGwanunig
Summary: Dwarves only love once in their life. But what if that love is unrequited? What if your One does not love you back? Fili/Reader


**Lost in years**

The bells ring.

Erebor is once again in hands of the line of Durin, and where a house again flourishes, surely alliances are formed.

It is with Dale once again on way to it's former glory, with the plants growing and the lands growing green that Fíli, son of Dís, pledges himself to a noble from another Dwarrow folk.

Roars are deafening and cheers rise from the crowd, yet you stand in the darkness.

Of course, you are happy for the Dwarrowdam marrying the prince, it's not like you know him personally, safe for a few chance encounters back in Ered Luin. Of course, you are happy that he seems happy and that the line of Durin will once again endure. Of course you hold nothing against Fíli's wife, she is pretty and a nice person of what you have heard. You hold nothing against her personally, you would not be angry at her right to be joyful.

But deep down...

Deep down, you do not think she deserves the joy. There is no joy for you knowing **_your One_** is marrying a Dwarrowdam he adores. There is no joy for you to be found when you realise that you are not Fíli's One, not like he is for you and he does not know, he never will know.

Dwarves only love once in their lifetime, and it is beautiful. But if your love is unrequited, how do you deal with it ? How do you live through the grief ? You want to be angry, oh, how you want the rage to take you. But you cannot blame them.

After all, they are not guilty for loving each other. They are not guilty for the **deep longing and love** that beats within you with every thrum of your blood in your veins.

Fine lass, they say. Bright as crystal, they say.

But why does she not marry? She is not devoted particularly close to a craft, nor is she being courted, why will she not marry?

Those rumours float about in the street you live, since everyone wonders why you do not. You've never had any intentions of marrying in Ered Luin, but everyone assumed it was because you were taking care of your brother. Even when you both returned to Erebor, it took him several years to find someone. Now, however, he is married, yet you live with both him and his wife.

Of course not every Dwarrowdam takes a husband and perhaps you do not wish to have one. Perhaps they were all wrong then? Perhaps you prefer to be alone? And so the rumors are laid to rest. Yet it is there, hanging in the air. It is not said but it hangs unspoken between you and your family.

You've been utterly and completely _**lost**_ since prince Fíli's marriage.

You grow older, and some say prettier. Prince Kíli has married by now, and rules together with king Fíli, as an assistent-king. His wife, one extremely pretty bearded lass has borne him three children. A boy and two girls, and a fourth is on the way.

Prince Fíli does not have heirs. Many wonder why but you do not wish to know. And even though you are ashamed to admit it, somewhere it relieves your bruised, tattered and broken heart.

The pain never goes, but it grows bearable as the years pass. Surely something keeps pinching in your chest and some days you wish to never have realised what you now know. However, with growing from the still barely of age lass to a finer Dwarrowdam now, you have grown wiser and less stuck in your emotions. You can look at your situation with your mind now involved, and somewhere it relieves you.

There are other treasures in life to be valued. Such as your brother's children. Their mother works hard, and though you work in the seamstresses' guild to support an income, you have more time on your hands then your brother and his wife. Your nephews are growing older. The oldest can walk by now, and the youngest has taking his first attempts to start crawling. Your love has never been given to anyone, so you pour it all into caring for your cousins.

Of course, it hurts you from time to time to see the royal family, the king and the queen to be strolling around the market and be happy, but you always remain far away. You do not need a reminder of what has shaped your live so much since the past.

One day however, you run out of luck.

It is a bright morning when you take Ror and Rog to the market, since they have been wanting to see how some of the smiths work. Rog is much too young to actually comprehend, butr he is an agreeable and curious child, so you take him with you and his brother. Whatever chance he has to look around when he is awake, he will. So, with Rog strapped at your back and Ror on your hand you walk through the market.

-'' Can I have that aunt (Y/N)?'' Ror is doing his puppy eyes but you have grown immune to it. -'' I'll take some home with us. However,..'' You interrupt their cheers.' -' First you eat your lunch and then you can have it as a late midday snack.'' Ror fervently nods, as Rog splutters on your back.

You don't really know what is happening when you feel Rog squirming and something tugging at his sleeves. He splutters unhappily and you can already see him become red and prepare for a loud wailing session, when you turn. To your surprise it is lady Dís, queen Adra and king Fíli. Dís is smiling widely at Rog, who has quieted down significantly.

-'' But isn't it (Y/N)!'' Her voice is surprised as you smile a soft smile. -'' Good morning, Your Highness.'' You bow your head. Dís smiles. -'' He reminded me so much of Kili with his black hair, I just had to touch him.''

You grin. -'' That's allright.''

Queen Adra is assessing the situation and then turns to you. -'' You know the Queen-Mother?''

Dís laughs and throws back her head. -'' I knew her mother quite well. She died in Ered Luin after her husband perished in Azanulbizar.'' A faint ache thrums through you and Dís' eyes are also duller when remembering what happened.

By now king Fíli has rejoined the conversation. Recognition crosses his eyes. You smile uneasily at him and bow. Adra is aware of your unease when she looks you straight in the eyes. '-' Quite a few healthy lads you have there. We unfortunately never had any.'' She hums. You can feel the kings' eyes boring into your back.

-'' They are not my children, but my nephews. I never married.'' You say softly.

And that concludes your first meeting and only meeting with Queen Adra.

You are upset when you walk home that evening. Rog is more than happy to fall into the arms of his mother, yet Ror stays behind. -'' It's him, isn't it?'' He murmurs and then turns. -'' The reason you never married.''

You feel like denying, yet Ror is much more mature for his age in some aspects than you would expect so you tell the truth and nod. A brief sadness flashes in his eyes, yet he takes your hand.

-'' Don't worry aunt. When you are old and crumpled and can barely walk, I shall take you in my house with my wife and children.'' And it flares your heart with motherly love. Time passes by quickly. Years turn you to a ripe adult by now. Laughter lines slowly start to surface on your skin. Rumours pass that the queen and king no longer sleep together, and that it is because of the lack of children.

And somehow, through your pain and suffering, you still feel pity for the queen.

The banners rise high when Thorin Oakenshield, first King under the Mountain, is laid to rest in old age. You pay your respects to the king that brought you back home and glimpse the current kings of Erebor from afar. Grief is clearly etched into their features and though you know you can do nothing, you somehow want to be able to take it away.

One day, Queen Adra leaves Erebor, giving up her throne and returning to her fathers' home. Rumour has it she has shared a bed with councilman, yet you do not judge. You do not know what happened to her, and you, more than anyone, know what it is like to see your only wish not fulfilled ever.

Rog and Ror grow older and as you are no longer needed, you decide to take a little house close by. Life is as always, days blending together, but the pain and longing are duller now that you have ripened. Though not old, you are not of the youngest anymore, and you do not mind to have more space to nap now your nephews are maturing into fine young Dwarrows.

It is one fine day, a day where you feel the pain more than others that you come to stand before an unexpected surprise. You are sitting in one of the communal halls when steps approach. You don't pay it any heed until the steps stop before you.

It is king Fíli. His beard has grown even longer and he is as regal as his uncle once was. You blink and try to stand when he shakes his head and takes a seat in front you. His eyes are heavy with emotion unfamiliar to you but you patiently wait to see what he has to say. Then his blue eyes turn to you. - '' If we had had more time and more courage at that, do you think it would have been different? ''

You're baffled. What is he talking about ? He has never as much as looked at you and now he is here, speaking with such longing it scares you. What does he want? What could he possibly want ? He's never looked at you, has never known of your existence, your feelings. What…-?

You open your mouth, not knowing what to say. A familiar grief is creeping up on you, pain and love intertwined, steadily thrumming in your veins. But the king isn't done yet. His eyes are the clearest blue you have ever seen when his hands come forward to grasp yours and pain etches in his face.

\- ''Do you think we could have worked? If we both had the courage? If we both had the time? Do you think that there was ever a small smudge of a chance we could have worked, that there was a possibility, how small however?''

The pain is so vivid on his face and in his eyes, you barely notice when a familiar feeling starts to bleed into those blue depths, a longing and grieving smile forming on his face. And then his words clear your mind of any further doubt and your heart of any pain, finally soaring high.

 **'' One of my heart.''**

 **END**


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